Have you wondered why your partner can ‘push your buttons’ so easily? Or, why you may have chosen the same type of mate repeatedly? Every week, I hear a different person tell me about disconnection in their primary relationship--due to fear, alcohol, abuse, or even surfing—resulting in their feeling unlovable, unworthy, disrespected, or alone. It tears at the heart of their relationship. 
            Some want their partner to change—spend more time with them, or speak more lovingly. They negotiate, beg, give an ultimatum, wait patiently, or explode. Others realize the key to creating harmony in relationship is not in changing the other person, but in changing yourself. Any time we experience an emotional reaction to another, it is valuable information which tells us we have activated an old pattern within.  For example, a client recently complained she was increasingly obsessive and controlling with her fiancé’, who was becoming more emotionally distant. Her previous boyfriends had accused her of being needy or jealous. She realized as her fear of abandonment grew, her possessive behaviors worsened.
           I explained that relationship patterns are often learned in early life, and become subconscious programming. While the conscious mind seeks a nurturing mate, the subconscious chooses someone consistent with the programming. It is not until the relationship is underway that it becomes obvious the pattern was re-enacted. In hypnosis, my client realized that when she was three years old, she interpreted her father’s death as his decision to leave her. In her young mind, she concluded that she was unworthy of love. She went through life either perceiving a boyfriend’s behavior as uncaring, or choosing partners who withheld the love she desperately wanted. In hypnosis, with conscious and subconscious mind working together, she was able to understand the childhood conclusion was inaccurate, that she had been a lovable child, and therefore, had always been worthy of affection. Deep inside, she now realized that, as a lovable person, she could cherish herself, receive nurturing from others, and choose a mate who is available and loving.
           Realize that your programming is at the heart of your relationship, and that you can change it. If you are triggered by someone’s behavior, ask yourself, “When have I felt this way before?” Ask yourself how this person is the same as someone from your past. More importantly, ask yourself how this person is different. Explore how you are different from the person you were in the past relationship. Create affirmations about the type of relationship you desire; visualize, sense and feel the love and joy you will have when you are in that relationship. If you find you are still emotionally activated, seek assistance from a trained hypnotherapist who can guide you to a peaceful resolution.